Not at all. Tomorrow I will have to do something that I have forever feared. Be admitted to the hospital. #1 fear for me. Inland Valley hospital to top it off. I unfortunately have lost my baby for the 2nd time in 6 months. I have not written about this yet because I don’t feel that I’m in the right place just yet. I feel bitter and angry and I don’t want the world (okay so the 3 readers that I have) to know the deepest, nastiest of my thoughts. Scott and I decided that this time this was the best decision for my miscarriage because they will be able to test and possibly find out why this has now happened twice, the same way. Regardless of the decision we feel is best, I.AM.Terrified! I was there today for about 3 hours to do pre-surgery stuff and about had an anxiety attack.
Trust me, I know there are much worse and ugly things out there in the world. I know people first hand that are going through them. But right now, for me only, this circumstance and timing couldn’t be worse.
As I sit up late writing this when I should be getting sleep, I’m thinking… but not about the ugly thoughts racing my circuit board of a brain. I cannot help but to think about the people that love me. The friends and family that hurt for me, who are broken because I am broken. It makes me feel like I’m the most blessed person in the world. So in this time of the unknown and fear, I will choose to hold on to that.
I know this probably will not be my last visit to the hospital in my life. But it’s my first. If you think of me tomorrow (tuesday) between.. oh let’s say 1:00 and 6:00, say a prayer.. that I don’t die.. from a panic attack.
Love and Appreciation, jess