My thoughts on Life lately

**Disclaimer, this post might be long and boring for some. It also might make you think I’m a freak**

I’ve said it a million times in the last 39 weeks and I’ll say it again, pregnancy is crazy! It does so many weird things to you that you never expect, or I just never expected. Including making you a Magic Mountain roller-coaster of emotions. I’ve cried more times in the last four weeks than I did in the 35 weeks that proceeded it. The last week has been even worse. Last year at this time I told myself (and Scott, because he’s reminded me) that I didn’t care one bit about labor as long as it meant I was pregnant, I wanted to be pregnant so badly. Now that I am days away from labor, I’m terrified and those other thoughts seem to have flown out the window. Even when I am not pregnant I’m not normally that great of a “sleeper” and night time is not my favorite because of that reason. But it’s one thousand times worse now. I sleep for literally two hours straight at the most, waking up uncomfortable and in pain every time. It’s very lonely even with Scott laying right next to me, plus it only gives more time to think.. and worry (I’m sorry Lord) If I speak out loud my thoughts these days it would go something like this..

I wonder how labor will start. Will my water break? Or will I be induced? How bad will the pain really be? How long will I be in labor? Will I be able to get an epidural, what if it’s too late? Will I throw up during labor? What if for some reason Scott can’t get away from work, what if he misses it. I wish my brother was going to be here. Will everything be okay when Grayson gets here? Will I be able to breastfeed? Will I be a good mom? Will I be a bad mom? People have been talking to me a lot about postpartum depression, will I have that? Will I need help with him? Will I want help with him?

Well I think you get the point. It says in scripture, “who with worrying can add even one day to their life?” So I know that I need to just stop, I’ve been praying about it. I have such an amazing support system everywhere I turn, and don’t get me wrong sometimes I get so giddy about having him I get the chills. I’m assuming these are normal thoughts for a first time mom about to deliver a baby? Just thought as usual I would jot down what I’m feeling.

*Edit

You know what is funny, I wrote all of these thoughts out a couple of days ago and just writing them out actually made me feel better. Plus I’ve been able to put things into a little bit of perspective. Scott and I are healthy, despite whatever I have to go through in labor, we’re gaining a precious life. Not losing it, there are people who lose loved ones every day. What I’m scared of is so small in comparison to that. Silly, silly me.

I saw this on Pinterest and loved the idea. I won’t use it as my birth announcement but I definitely wanted to have it. This baby is given to us by the Lord, made perfectly by Him. I can’t start worrying about the details of the hard stuff after all this time.

So basically… I think I’m ready.. I am ready… But ps. if you could do me a favor… if you’ve given birth once or twice, or five times please keep your terrible labor story on the DL. Ha! I know child birth is something a lot of women have in common, but for the next week or two I’d really rather not hear any stories or details about child birth!

xoxo j.

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