As I sit here today and type I realize I’m nothing short of an emotional basket case. Do you ever have those days where you are your own worst enemy? Where you can do nothing right and feel like everyone is in some way judging you? Today is that day for me. I feel the pressure tenfold now being a parent, feeling as though I’m being watched and criticized for any tiny movement. Now, if I’m being rational is that really what is happening? No not at all, but emotions are hardly ever rational. I think, and have been told that my sometimes neurotic behavior has only gotten worse since having Grayson. My need to control every situation has consumed me. Would you believe me if I said I can’t help it? Probably not, because I do believe that everyone has it in them to change how they are if they really want to. I love my son so much that sometimes I can’t think straight, and if I do neurotic things it’s because of that love. Doesn’t make it right I suppose.
Most of all I think I need to be more easy going and let go of the constant needing-to-know, that’s always been a struggle for me. I take it back, most of all I need to lean on the Lord and second be more easy going. I think of those moms whose kids are everything to them, I mean everything… Which is awesome as long as Jesus is still first in your life. It’s very easy to fall into making them your entire world, I can definitely see that now.
I’m also over emotional because nursing has become harder, I’m not sure why. I feel like he’s wanting to eat longer but my body isn’t keeping up. I want to continue but I’m so scared that he’s still hungry. I’m thinking of trying to get a hold of the La Leche organization to see if there is advice they can offer. This morning I read about some lady wanting to know if California has anywhere that buys breast milk. She was wondering because she makes too much. I felt so envious which is wrong in every way.. There are so so many women who aren’t able to nurse at all and I should be thankful for the 2 1/2 months I’ve been able to. I’m not ready to give up by any means, just concerned and worried he isn’t getting enough.. I understand that having a baby is completely a learning experience, I mean every day you learn. You learn about your baby, about your husband and about yourself. Now what I’ve done with what I’ve learned is another thing, I hope that I can come away with these lessons a changed person. Relying solely on the Lord for guidance, rather than a book or advice from another person. Please Jesus guide Scott and I to know what to do and how to act with our son. (these are my most favorite pictures of him right now) he has the greatest lips, and the best smile!
Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.” When I think of the struggles and heartache we went through to finally have Grayson (um it kind of makes me want to hold on even tighter to him!) darn it! No but when I see this verse and know that he is a gift from our Gracious God, how can I try to control it all? If He hadn’t given him to me in the first place there would be nothing to take control of. Heard. Understood. Acknowledged.
Now it’s time for application.. Go!