Oh boy where do I even begin. I have an over abundance of thoughts pulsing my brain and am having trouble sorting through them. If I could use one word to describe how I feel it would be bummed. Why in the world would I be bummed!? I have a baby and last year that’s all I ever wanted. I shouldn’t be anything but ecstatic, the thought that I am still bummed, bums me out. When I had my other pity party (you can read that one here) I talked about having trouble nursing. I had a friend recommend a consultant and through speaking with her I was able to get some awesome vitamins and they totally helped. While I was taking them. Scott and I talked about the fact that if my supply went back as it was after the two weeks of vitamins, it was just time to switch him to formula. Wouldn’t you know that’s exactly what happened. Long story short, I could go into detail and list the reasons we decided I would stop nursing but I won’t. Bottom line is we decided it would be best for both Grayson and I. Nutritionally for Gray, mentally for me. The entire time I’ve stressed about it because I could always tell I was low. This has been such a hard transition for me, I still cry when I think about it. That time between us was so special to me, I know I have to do what’s best for him but selfishly I wanted to keep going. I will never forget some of the special moments we had during that time. (his staring games were my favorite)
Then the very next day after we came to this conclusion he also decided that he didn’t need to sleep swaddled up anymore. What? Why is he doing this to me? He doesn’t need me or his blankie anymore. (ridiculous I know) Would you know that the night that happened I slept with his blanket!! (I should be embarrassed to admit that, but I’m not) I promise I’m not making a habit of that!
I said this is my last post but I’ll say it one more time but I am so thankful to have at least been able to nurse him for the time that I did. We made it 17 weeks and although it wasn’t the goal I had originally, I’m still so thankful for it. I know there are women who aren’t able to at all. So trust me, I know I’m blessed.
I do think there is more to this emotional nonsense than meets the eye. I think my body is making that last final adjustment and getting back to normal (insert PMS here, hence crying every day for a week) Periods really are from the devil! :) The other day I cried to Scott because (and actually said this out loud to him) I don’t want Grayson to grow up. Like for reals. He’s barely four months old. Who does that!?
Since Grayson has been on formula he’s slept a lot better, he still fights going down for his naps (Lord knows when that will end) but now he’ll take his full nap (90% of the time) once he’s asleep. And he’s been sleeping on average seven hours at night, even nine a few times now! He’s more content in general, I feel really good about our decision and know it was the right thing to do. Plus, now I get to see this which warms my heart. If you’ve gone through this before and felt the way I do, please feel free to give me advice on the best way to “cope”. Ha! Some of you are probably like, “your lame get over it!” But that’s okay, I have to do me how I do me.
Now puffy eyes and all I’ll sign off for the night. I’m so blessed for our little gift and every-thing/one in my life. Have a great Tuesday evening. xoxo j.