A birthday messaged that changed my heart

It is no secret that parenting is hard work,
it’s also no secret that I don’t try to hide how hard it is.
Of course on Instagram there is almost always pictures of my smiling baby,
but the in between those smiles, there are hard parts. Really hard.
It’s also no secret that by far the hardest thing we’ve had to deal with
is Grayson’s sleeping habits. He’s always been a great night sleeper,
but a horrible napper. But in the last few months he’s become awful at both.
We have always done Baby Wise (a modified version of it anyway)
to help sleep train him. I truly believe in it, I also truly believe that I’ve done
everything I could according to it.. and it hasn’t completely worked.
(Let me also say, I truly believe that as a parent, you and no one else
decide what is going to work the best, whether you rock your babies to sleep,
let them self-soothe or co-sleep. Your kid, your choice I have always said)
Okay sorry I’ll get to the point.. As most of you know we are living with family.
Well letting a baby cry it out with three other people in the house just doesn’t work.
This is why his sleeping habits have changed quite a bit.
Last week we had one of those nights, the bad ones.
As I sat there rocking him, which is something I absolutely LOVE (and always have)
I started to get frustrated. Not with Grayson, but just with life..
I have this entire thought process in about 60 seconds.

“Gosh why is he crying? Why won’t he just go to sleep?
Why do we have no money? Therefore why do we have to live with family?
Why did Scott get let go from Ontario? For that matter why did he even get hired?
Why? WHY? Why??”

You would think I would know by now to not question God’s plan for our life.
I mean duh, after losing two babies He gave us the most precious gift.
That will have me forever faithful in the Lord’s plan for our life. So why question His plan now? I don’t know, I let the human nature get the best of me I suppose.

I started following a blog recently written by a mommy named Andrea Yim,
she has lost the love of her life and the father of her children too soon.
She is a believer and has clung to Jesus for comfort.
My heart breaks for her and her boys. I am behind on reading all blogs
but something compelled me to read hers as I sat there.
It was written 10 days earlier on  her husband Brent’s birthday. It was a guest post by his mom.
I probably should have stopped when I saw the title. But I didn’t.
As I sat there reading it, tears literally falling off my cheeks.
I started thinking about this mom, the one who would give anything to rock her son again.
To hold his hand or stand over him while he tries to fall asleep.
In that moment, everything was as it should be.
Grayson still took another two hours to fall asleep that night,
but I was a little (okay a lot) less frustrated that I had been five minutes before.

You can follow Andrea’s blog by clicking that link if you’d like.
Here is the post Brent’s mom wrote. (Grab a tissue)

Happy Birthday

“On December 10, 1979, I laid my eyes upon you for the first time. You were our beautiful little baby boy, Brent Alexander Yim. You made your grand entrance into the world still fully covered by the amniotic sac, and you would remind your sisters for the rest of your 32 years, that you were special because you were a “veil baby” (and of course, left-handed). Alyia was delighted to have a baby brother, and as a two-year-old, she quickly and lovingly gave you a nickname that would stick for a lifetime, Brentsy Wentsy. Four years later, when your little sister Lindsay was born, you took on the role of big brother with great pride. She was your little princess and you were her hero. I always said you two were like twins, kindred spirits, born four years apart. This was our perfect little family, and I couldn’t have been any more blessed.

You brought great joy throughout your life, but you also challenged me and kept me on my toes (or should I say my knees). You were very bright, naturally athletic, compassionate, loving and caring. You were a “peace maker”, and seldom argued with your sisters. You had a wonderful sense of humor and your antics kept us all laughing. I knew you had a special heart for the Lord at such a young age. I remember each time I would tell you the story of Easter and of the crucifixion of Christ, you would fall into my arms and sob. There seemed to be a special, tender heart that God would one-day use.

I will admit your rebellious years gave me some sleepless nights, but I always knew you would return to the way in which you were raised.

When you turned 21, I must confess I began to wonder where I had failed as a mom. I began to pray earnestly for my prodigal son. The Lord heard those prayers, and on Easter Sunday 2001, after a series of divinely orchestrated events, you came home to announce that you had rededicated your life to Christ. I have never seen anyone as “sold out” for the Lord as you became. I have never personally witnessed a transformed life, like that which I witnessed with you. You were a “new” Brent. Your favorite verse became, “I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.” – Galatians 2:20

You could not get enough of God’s Word. You immersed yourself into your Bible, day and night. You decided to go to Bible College and you excelled because you had found your passion. You prayed for the Lord to do an accelerated work in you. He did. You were an example of what God can do with a willing vessel. You taught me more about what it means to be fully submitted to the will of God than I had ever known before. Your “big prayers” made me uneasy. You asked God to use you HOWEVER He chose, and He did.

In March 2011, after walking with the Lord and serving Him faithfully for 10 years, you became sick and were eventually diagnosed with a brain tumor. In the last year of your life I watched you suffer emotionally and physically, beyond what anyone should ever suffer. I never would have thought that God would chose to cause you such pain and suffering, but even through that storm, you gave God all the glory, never complained and continued to trust Him fully. In our conversations, you told me to never question His ways, never ask why, and that whatever He chose to do, HE WAS GOD, and His ways were perfect. I watched you leave this world, take your last breath, and enter into eternal life with your Savior and King.

Through this trial, I have learned how to cling more and more to Jesus. I have learned that His ways are not my ways. I have learned that the only true peace I will find is in the Lord and through His Word. I have learned far more than I ever wanted to learn about pain and suffering, but I have gone deeper with the Lord than I could have imagined. The Lord promises that there is pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning, and that He will turn these ashes into beauty. I chose to believe this.

Brent, I am eternally grateful for the years the Lord gave me with you. I am exceedingly proud and honored that I was chosen by God to be your mom. I miss you beyond what any words can express. I weep daily for the moments that I will never be able to share with you, and the conversations I desire yet to have with you. But I do count the blessings you left behind. I love your bride, as though she were my own daughter, and I am thankful, and so in love, with that part of you that was left behind in your boys, Jaiden and Micah.

As the words from the book we once read together go . . .
I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and as long as I’m living . . . My baby you’ll be.

Happy Birthday, Brentsy!
Love, Mom”

My prayer for my son is that he would choose to live his life for Jesus the way that Brent did. As frustrated as I get, in the end that is ALL that matters.

I posted a (super short because IG only gives you 15 seconds) video on Instagram yesterday of Grayson and all of the places he sleeps except for his crib. Hopefully it plays here for you.


3 thoughts on “A birthday messaged that changed my heart

  1. I loved this message Andrea’s mother in law wrote, I was balling the whole time, just like I do in all Andrea’s posts. I have been reading them for awhile now. But yes, enjoy G even when he isn’t sleeping. I’ll pray for his sleeping habits. Great post Jess.

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